Fight sexual harassment the way of Sun Tzu

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting – Sun Tzu

After an hour of scissor jumps, squats, high kicks and punches at a fitness club, I decided to head home for a shower. Highly aware of the unattractive sweat stains on my chest, back and armpits, I rushed discreetly to the lift, hoping I would be alone, until a bald man dressed in sweats appeared behind me.

I recognised him immediately from a YouTube video I saw only about a week ago. He competed in a yoga competition where he did a headstand with his hands stretched far behind his shoulders. I thought he was slightly wobbly in his attempt but still, pretty impressive.

“Now you’re looking very sexy,” he said to me as I was about to compliment him on his yoga skills.

“What? Excuse me?”

I didn’t know polite introduction was passé.

“All that sweat, it makes you sexy. Sweat releases a type of scent. Pheromone,” he said.

He flashed me a grin, revealing two rows of perfectly white and even teeth. To be honest, if he hadn’t opened his mouth, I would have thought he was kind of cute.

When caught in a situation like this, I’m often confronted by these thoughts – should I tell him off straightaway or should I wait to give him the benefit of the doubt? Maybe I am too sensitive. Maybe he didn’t mean to be offensive. Maybe he didn’t know he’s being offensive.

“Pheromone? I thought only men release pheromone,” was my choice of response to him.

My tactic was to get him to think about sweat in a scientific manner. I thought Sun Tzu was in me and I, in him.

“Ohhh no. We all release pheromones. That’s how we attract each other,” he replied confidently.

My strategy seemed to have failed but fortunately enough, someone younger and definitely prettier caught his attention.

“Hi! How are you married?” he asked the girl cheerfully and then pretended to correct himself. “Oops! I meant how are you?” Without remorse, of course.

He chuckled at his own joke while the girl stepped forward to give him a hug, an indication they knew each other.

Just as I thought it would be interesting to observe their interaction with each other, the lift opened with a loud ping revealing a man standing inside. We all stepped into the lift and stood in silence until we parted ways at different floors.

Many men who read this probably think what the yogi said to me wasn’t a big deal at all. Why do women put up such a fuss when a guy makes sexual comments about her? Can’t they see it as a compliment instead?

Well, here’s the thing in case you don’t already know: Many women do not like strangers (or even men they know) commenting on their sexuality simply because it’s something private and intimate. Given, there are possibly women who love and welcome this kind of comments but I don’t think I had given this man any reason to think so.

My friend Andy claimed that men get upset with women who find it offensive when being sexually hit on because they secretly wish women would do the same to them. I don’t know whether that’s true but I think if most men don’t find themselves being sexually hit on by women, it could be because women in general think it’s an unacceptable social act, which then perhaps means men shouldn’t be doing it either.

Sexual harassment is a violation of a person’s dignity, body and private space. It’s a violation because it is premised on the basis that a person’s body belongs to that person only and nobody has the right to assume or act otherwise.

I remember a particular bus trip I took with my girlfriends when I was about 15. When we got on the bus, there were only two empty seats left at the last row of the bus. Mei Ling and I took the seats while Carol and her younger sister, Grace, sat on our laps.

Five minutes into what turned out to be a pretty bumpy ride, a hand reached out from my right to stroke Grace’s bare thighs. Startled, I turned to see who the offending hand belonged to. He smiled at me with a look that seemed to say, “So, whatcha gonna do about it, huh?”

I heaved Grace up to her feet, stood up and turned to face the man. I can’t remember how my girlfriends reacted to this sudden outburst but I remember staring disgustedly into the man’s eyes for the rest of the journey. I said nothing but I made pretty damn clear to him that I was watching him, with judgment.

I was decidedly brave that day because the man triggered a memory I had kept a secret for a very long time. When I was ten, my English teacher rubbed himself against my buttocks while I was reading an essay in front of the classroom. I did nothing about it and I told no one. My inaction would forever plague me because I’ve often wondered how many other innocent girls had also become victims of his despicable act.

Sexual harassment is criminal for the simple fact that men in these stories think they have every right to touch something that doesn’t belong to them or say something that could potentially rob a woman of her dignity. Do they think they have absolute power and authority to do so? Or is it because a young innocent girl is defenseless and hence makes for easy prey? Or perhaps, a woman’s body is public property?

I’ve had girlfriends who complain about men who make them squirm with discomfort. These are men who touch them unnecessarily, refer to them as "sexy lady" or send them pornographic material. There are also men who take the liberty of sending women text messages that are filled with sexual nuances. The funny thing is, these men almost always behave differently in person; ie they appear to be polite and respectful when you see them face-to-face. This just means that you can never really tell the identity of a sexual harasser. They can vary from a random stranger walking on the street to someone you already know who is married with children.

Sexual harassment is a big deal because it reduces a person’s worth by stripping away their dignity. The common emotions that can go through a victim range from:

• Helplessness – Eg. Feeling all alone and not knowing who to turn to for help.

• Shame, guilt, self-doubt – Eg. I must be slutty if he thinks he can say all those things to me. I must have asked for it.

• Awkwardness – Eg. I don’t know what to do or how to behave if I see him again.

• Fear – Eg. Will he do something to me if I see him again?

• Betrayed – Eg. He is my teacher. How could he do this to me?

• Confused – Eg. I want him to stop but will he hurt me if I tell him off?

• Self-resentment – Eg. Why didn’t I do anything about it?

All these emotions can have a negative impact on a person’s relationships or ability to focus at work because the person becomes too pre-occupied with these emotions.

I have had experiences where I don’t ever want to see or talk to the person who said inappropriate things to me simply because I feel utterly uncomfortable in his presence. I worry incessantly about bumping into that person if I know he is within my premises. To inflict such emotional arrest on someone is harassment. Unless you’re on the receiving end of it, you can’t even begin to understand the debilitating effects it has on a person who is sexually harassed.

It can be difficult to report someone for sexual harassment. There’s always the fear of making something so private and humiliating public, but here are some things we can do privately to reinstate our dignity and restore the power that has been stripped away from us.

• Let the person know what he did is wrong, you don’t want it and he needs to stop.

It doesn’t have to be verbal communication. Write to the person rationally and clearly, leaving no room for doubt that you want him to stop. Do not say it in a joking or apologetic way – no emoticons with half winks or smiles because a harasser will take any opportunity to turn that against you if it ever gets worse or nasty later.

Letting the person know takes away that sense of helplessness. It puts you back in charge which in turn puts the sexual predators off because they often get a kick out of asserting power over those whom they think are vulnerable.

• Show the person what he did is unacceptable through your body language.

Like the bus incident, I avoided causing a scene by letting the offender knew through persistent eye contact. Trust me, bad people often become uncomfortable when they are looked straight in the eyes. The man in the bus shifted uncomfortably in his seat and avoided eye contact after a while.

It takes courage to face your harasser but tell yourself if you don’t, you may resent yourself later for not doing anything when you had the opportunity to.

• Pretend to be confident even when you’re really not.

Like Anna Leonowens’ advice to her son in The King and I, do whistle a happy tune when you’re feeling afraid of your adversary. You may feel utterly uncomfortable in his presence and would rather avoid him if you can, but what if you work together? Your office may be too small for you to hide.

Put on a brave show by appearing confident in front of him. Give him that look which says "I know something that you don’t" and this may put him on suspense as to whether you have said something to your superior or colleagues. Sexual harassers often cash in on the bet that you’re far too weak and scared to tell anyone but if he starts to suspect you may actually have, he’s likely going to think twice about behaving badly again.

• Tell someone about it.

Make sure it’s someone you trust and will act in your best interest.

There are many reasons why some women keep the harassment to themselves. Mainly, they are afraid of being judged. For instance, women who feel unattractive are afraid to tell someone they are being sexually harassed for fear of being ridiculed. “Right, as if someone would sexually harass an ugly person like you.” Like the culprits, victims of sexual harassment vary in their profiles. No one is immune to it.

Another common reason for keeping it a secret is the fear of being judged as the culprit. “Who ask you to dress so provocatively? You totally asked for it.”

Confiding in someone not only allows you to unburden yourself and receive support, it also provides you with a witness should you decide to pursue a formal complaint against your harasser. Who knows? Maybe the person you confide in had a similar experience with the same harasser? Knowing you’re not alone will provide you great comfort and courage to go through this episode.

• Document every detail.

Spare no details and be specific right down to the date and time when the incident happened. Sexual harassment is very hard to prove. It usually boils down to my words against yours. If you do find the courage to let the person know, do it in writing if you can. You may not be ready yet to take any formal action against the culprit but you may in the future. When you do, you’ll be grateful that you’ve kept all the information you need to state a strong case against him.

As a person who has been a victim of sexual harassment, my ultimate aim is not to punish the offender but to make him stop the harassment. Getting into an ugly fight or publicly humiliating the person need not be an option and sometimes can even be counter-productive because the harasser can get defensive or violent.

Confronting your harasser takes a lot of courage and it’s never easy, but if you manage to, you’ll feel empowered, liberated and proud for standing up for yourself, knowing that you may have played a part in stopping the guy from preying on other women.

This article was first published at the Malaysian Insider on 29 May 2014. 

Technorati Tags: Sun Tzu,Art of War,sexual harassment

“How to stop corruption like that?”

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

It must get better

This article was first published in The Malaysian Insider on 25 December 2010 and then Loyar Burok on 27 December 2010.

I am heterosexual and if I have had more than one sexual relationship, I’d be called a shameless slut. 

If I were a Muslim, heterosexual and have pre-marital sex with my long-term boyfriend, I’d be arrested, persecuted and labelled a sinful and bad Muslim. 

If I am homosexual, I’d be blamed for spreading HIV/AIDS. 

If I were Muslim and homosexual, I might as well be dead because this would be what many of my Muslim brothers and sisters would want me to be — non-existent. 

The point I’m trying to make is homosexuals are not alone when it comes to receiving unwanted, cruel and malicious remarks and punishments, but they do bear the worst of it, especially if they’re Muslims. 

If you’re part of the activist circle in Kuala Lumpur or know someone who is part of the circle, you’ll know the “Seksualiti Merdeka movement” led by several brave and no doubt amazing individuals. These individuals are brave because they confront and embrace their sexuality instead of hiding behind a facade. 

They’re amazing because they do something about defending and promoting their rights to alternative sexual lifestyles, rather than bitch within their own circle of like-minded friends and wait for society to accept them for who they are. 

One recent project that has attracted a lot of attention is the “It gets better in Malaysia” videos. These series of short videos feature several individuals who talk about their experiences as homosexuals in Malaysia. 

This is not an original initiative as it is very much inspired by a similar campaign in the United States aimed at combating gay teenage suicide as a result of bullying in schools. The message is simple. It tries to tell gay teenagers that their lives will get better eventually and hence they should not give up on life. 

I find this campaign very human. It’s not just about promoting or glorifying the rights of lesbian, bisexual, gay and transgendered persons. It’s about treating and respecting them as human beings who don’t deserve to be bullied and certainly don’t deserve to suffer in silence. 

When children take their own lives simply because they can no longer tolerate the torture they have to endure in school and are unable to find the worth in themselves to continue living, something is fundamentally wrong. It is no longer about LBGT rights. It’s about human rights. 

When Azwan Ismail appeared in one of the videos recently, he was condemned by many people. Some even called for his death. It makes me feel sick and it makes me angry to hear this. It also makes me ask why. Why do we behave as if we have the moral right to pass judgment on someone else who is different from ourselves? 

The truth of the matter is, we constantly hide behind our religions so that we can continue to be lazy thinkers and we try to delude ourselves as a society, that sex is taboo so that we don’t have to deal with any problems related to it. We’re told that sex should be something best kept private, which I can agree with. However, I don’t think we should stop discussing sex or try to censure ourselves by pretending to be an asexual society when we’re not. A Catholic priest will be able to tell you this. 

At the end of the day, those who condemn homosexuality do not realise what huge fools and bigots they make of themselves. They’re foolish because they continue to think that if they don’t talk, see or hear about it, then surely it doesn’t exist. (Thank God for great scientists and philosophers who don’t subscribe to such ludicrous theories.) They’re bigots because they believe in casting the first stone even though they are far from unblemished themselves. It’s as if the more stones they throw, the fewer stones will be left for their own sins. 

Being Malaysian is tough. Well, surely not as tough as an Afghan, Iraqi, Sudanese or Somalian, I hear you say. In a way you’re right but at least these countries don’t try to fool you into believing that they’re so close to being a developed nation, founded on the principles of democracy and respect for human rights. It is tough being a part of a hypocritical nation and anyone who asks me to balik China, you’ve proven my point. 

Afghanistan was once ruled by the Talibans, Muslim hardliners who implemented syariah and hudud laws in the country. These Talibans are also known for their sexual activities with young Afghan boys. They won’t talk about this but they will tell you that they’re defenders of Islam. 

Azwan Ismail did nothing of that sort and if anything, he did the opposite. He is honest, as opposed to those who hide behind their masks. I am sure all homosexuals want to be honest about themselves. Something which all parents should be teaching their children, instead of forcing them to be liars. 

I sincerely believe our country will be better if we start being more honest and less hypocritical. I also believe that this country will be better if we’re governed by leaders who are more honest and less hypocritical. 

We have come to a juncture where things must get better for all of us. I’ll vote for the next politician who starts a campaign about this.

Sex, drugs and HIV/AIDS

This article was first published in The Malaysian Insider on 9 November 2010. Below is the original version.

It was another quintessential night in Chow Kit; hot, humid, red and reeking with the thick smell of danger for those who would shun the district. Celeste, Joanna, Samantha and Lola lined the street of Lorong Haji Taib. In between small chats with each other, they call out indiscriminately to men walking by; teasing them unabashedly in their deep hoarse voices. For those who bother to play along, they are rewarded with flying kisses.

The night was slow but not devoid of excitement. Just as the night, they came slowly and quietly for them. They are ambushed by a group of uniformed policemen. Lola and Samantha manage to escape. Celeste and Joanna are quickly handcuffed and brought to the police station.

Less than 24 hours later, Celeste is released. Joanna? Dead. But not before being forced to perform sexual favours on the commanding officer while being restrained by his two subordinates. They eventually “finish” her off by applying multiple blows to her skull when she refuses to let them take her from behind.

Joanna never had a chance.

Celeste returns with a mission. She saw what they did to Joanna and vowed never to end up as another unclaimed corpse. She pleads with her friends to stand united and fight for their honour and lives. Together, they vow never to be silent again.

Celeste’s blood-chilling and piercing cry, “Joanna dah mati!” would echo in their minds forever.

It may not be as real as Poh Si Teng’s acclaimed documentary “Pecah Lobang”, a Freedom Film Fest winner in 2008, but that was the script used by the Bar Council MyConstitution Campaign team to send out a strong message to sex workers and Mak Nyahs at the Jom ke Chow Kit Carnival at Lorong Haji Taib on 31 July 2010.

Above: The MyConstitution Campaign team

It took the team a few days to put together the skit but not without first spending hours after hours debating and deciding on a suitable yet effective message. Most of the team members were lawyers but none of them knew what sort of message would make an impact on one of the oldest professions in the world.

Lawyers are useful when it comes to giving advice on what to do when one is being arrested but what can they tell a highly stigmatised community who not only are prime targets of the police and religious authorities, but also vulnerable to abuse and violence?

Joanna

That was when the team decided to tell the story of Joanna, a transsexual sex worker who died in police custody.

The message was simple. It is louder when four persons scream at the same time than just one. The chances of being heard are higher if you continue to scream. Sooner or later, someone will hear you.

The crowd responded. They laughed and cheered when they saw Celeste, Joanna, Samantha and Lola blowing kisses in the air. The atmosphere turned sombre and quiet when Joanna was being tortured by the officers. Some wore grave expressions on their faces as they watched Celeste bringing news of Joanna’s death and crying out in anguish. They clapped thunderously when the girls came together and agreed to do something about it.

The image of helpless Joanna being forced to face her opponents alone is more real than imagined. Most of us are aware of the discrimination and injustice faced by the community of sex workers, yet we choose to keep silent and stay ignorant of it. While we will readily acknowledge the right to live, life without dignity and justice is not a life worth living.

The organiser, the PT Foundation (PTF), is to be commended for providing an opportunity and platform for people living with HIV/AIDS, sex workers, drug abusers, men-who-have-sex-with-men (MSM), gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgender people to learn more about their rights and HIV/AIDS. Combating HIV/AIDS is after all one of the UN Millennium Development Goals.

According to the Ministry of Health’s statistics in 2009, there are 86,000 reported cases of HIV/AIDS in Malaysia. Everyday, 15 Malaysians are diagnosed HIV positive and the majority of them are men. 34% are in their twenties. The high-risk groups are surprisingly not sex workers, drug users or homosexuals. They are fishermen, factory workers, long distance drivers, housewives and heterosexuals.

Jeremy

Speaking to Jeremy provided a sense of comfort and assurance. He came across as someone who is wise and easy to talk to; and he is a gay man who occasionally also drags or crossdresses as a woman in special functions such as at the Jom ke Chow Kit Carnival.

Jeremy works towards educating and sensitising people on the importance of safe sex, sexuality and self-acceptance - all the right qualities to help fulfil PTF’s objectives.

I first spotted Jeremy when he was standing in front of the stage with a microphone in his hand. He was giving out a series of HIV/AIDS related trivia. It was difficult not to notice him as he was dressed in a black body-hugging t-shirt, hot pants, black stockings and Mary Jane shoes. In addition to his thick make-up, he was a picture of confidence and determination as he asked the crowd, “Can you get HIV/AIDS by holding someone’s hands?” while loud pumping techno beats were playing on the background.

Later in a private interview, Jeremy disclosed that he had come a long way before his family and friends accepted his sexuality. He was reluctant to call this episode in his life a problem but preferred to see it as a challenge instead. He added that at the end of the day, what’s really important is for a gay person to come to terms with his own sexuality, first. But it is important to take the time to figure out who he really is before arriving at that critical juncture.

When asked whether he faced any discrimination while growing up as a homosexual, he answered no. He explained that Malaysia is that sort of country where you would not get into trouble if you do not tell. An example is how PTF is not allowed to publicly inform people that they provide counselling to gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgender (GLBT) people. They may only call it “sexuality counselling”.

He also said that while law enforcement authorities do not harass PTF directly, they face many obstacles when trying to implement their HIV/AIDS education and prevention programme for sex workers in massage parlours, karaoke lounges, motels and nightclubs. These places are raided by anti-vice enforcement officers and too often in the presence of PTF, which consequently prevents the businesses from wanting to engage with PTF.

When asked who his hero is, Jeremy declares that he is his own inspiration. His father once told him in an acceptance speech, “Whatever you do, you’re an adult now. You’re responsible for your own life.” He said that it is important for everyone to be themselves because in the end, it is up to each individual to find out who they are and to grow comfortably into their own shoes.

Eddie

Such positive self-image was unfortunately not seen in Eddie, a 39 year-old former drug user. He was seen sitting alone at the back of a tent, quietly colouring his face with bright blue paint.

When I asked him what he was doing at the Carnival, he insisted that I would not be able to stomach his answer. “If I tell you, you won’t be able to take it. So, I rather not say anything,” he said to me again and again and all the while avoiding eye contact.

After some coaxing, he revealed that he is HIV positive. He said most people who learned about his condition would run away. We ended up having a long chat about his life story.

According to Eddie, he started using drugs when he was 15-years old. His family moved to Kuala Lumpur from a small village in Negeri Sembilan. He experienced culture shock and was not able to adapt to city life. Due to existing family problems, he experimented with drugs and it subsequently became a means of escape for him.

He spent most of his adult life in and out of prison and rehabilitation in Sungai Buloh and Kajang. He still remembers starving in prison where inmates were under-fed and often resorted to eating left over fish bones and banana peels. When asked whether he was ever physically abused by prison guards, he replied, “Only if you disobey them. That’s all I’m willing to say.”

He said many inmates died in rehabilitation due to their weak and frail physical conditions, mostly pronounced by poor nutrition. Like him, most of them had no families or friends who would miss their absence. The moment they all discovered how low they had sunk, they would drop out of their lives.

Eddie added, “It hurts. It hurts greatly to see how they looked at me with disgust. Once when I came out of rehab, I had the will to turn over a new leaf. I really wanted to change my life. When I got home, my mother and sisters were busy cooking the whole day. Do you know why? They had planned to feed me well and then send me away for good. I never saw them again.”

When asked whether he is afraid of death, he paused briefly before admitting that he is more afraid of dying a painful death and being alone.

I asked him whether he ever regretted his actions that have led him to this situation, he answered bitterly, “Of course! Who would want to live like this? Because of my health condition and medical treatment, I’m feeling sick all the time. I can’t find work and I have no money or friends.”

Access to assistance

That night, 40 people were arrested by the police on their way to the Carnival which incidentally, was endorsed by the Ministry of Health. They were apparently tested for drugs. As fellow columnist, June Low wrote in her blog, thanks to the police, these 40 individuals missed out on a chance to learn more about the risk of HIV/AIDS.

There is something fundamentally wrong when people are being stopped from having access to help. It is morally sinful when people are being deprived of such an opportunity.

Is it because they are different? Is it because they are considered as moral pariahs?

It is time to ask ourselves these questions.

What makes these people different from us? What makes them so contemptible that we allow them to fight their battles alone? Does that not make us even more contemptible for not coming to their defence?

Finally, how many of us actually give ourselves to others without expecting anything in return; whether it is for love, sex, financial security, companionship, procreation or power?

Answer this truthfully and you’ll know that we are all the same in the end.

I asked Eddie what keeps him alive.

He replied, “What keeps me going is that every year I vow to change my life for the better. I vow to take my methadone and anti-retroviral treatments more diligently. I vow to secure a job to keep me financially independent. I’ll be 40 soon and I think there’s hope. After all, isn’t it true what the Western people say about life beginning at 40?”

The question is: will he live to see that change?

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?

This article was first published in The Malaysian Insider on 4 October 2010.

There is one question that often sparks off heated arguments, and to a certain extent, discomfort among the female species rather successfully — including my own circle of girlfriends.

Nothing riles the female species up more than asking them whether human beings are meant to be monogamous. If you want to be really unpopular, try telling them that you actually don’t believe so — which is the position I’m taking.

What I find frustrating when having such a discussion is that the majority of women are not willing or ready to consider my position. I think I can understand why because I used to be one of them. I used to give the same reasons.

“Infidelity is wrong. It shouldn’t be tolerated!” “This is just a bad excuse for men to commit adultery!”

The problem is when women discuss relationships, we tend to idealise and romanticise them. We often talk about who the ideal man is and what a relationship is supposed to be. We can spend hours dissecting the criteria and issues revolving around them and truth be told, there are often many variations at the end of the discussion.

But, when it comes to the topic of fidelity, we often stand unanimous in condemning the act of infidelity wholeheartedly. There is often no discussion but only judgment. I notice the same pattern with my foreign girlfriends.

When I ask the question whether human beings are meant to be monogamous, I am not asking whether polygamous relationships are acceptable or not. When I take the position that human beings are not meant to be monogamous, I’m not saying that I tolerate or accept that we all should have one-night stands with different sexual partners.

I am merely asking us to consider whether it is possible that people commit adultery simply because it is a natural thing to do and not because they stop loving their partner.

The act of infidelity is not a modern phenomenon. It has probably been around since the existence of mankind. The only difference is that it is less tolerated now as modern societies begin to create the concept of marriage as an institution, the religious impositions of the sanctity of marriage, new moral codes regulating the exclusivity of couple-ship, the romantic idealism of fidelity and not least the feminist movement.

The whole concept of one man for one woman, as romantic as it sounds... does it really work for or against the core of human nature?

Now, I was brought up in a society and community which regards fidelity as an obligation. I believe that my parents have been completely faithful to each other although I’ve known some of my relatives who have cheated on their wives. While we try to avert our eyes and pretend that they don’t happen, it is nevertheless a scandal where endless gossip, conversations and debates are held behind closed doors.

The debates are usually divided into two groups as most debates usually are but the interesting thing is, there is absolutely no gender balance in any of the groups. You always get the women thrashing the adulterer while the men are quick to come to his defence.

One of my cousins had a huge fight with her husband when they decided to debate about Clinton’s fidelity. There is nothing better than a healthy discussion on global “affairs”, I’ll say!

Recent studies carried out by several reputable behavioural science research centres in America have shown two surprising changes in American society today, in regards to infidelity. Firstly, the female infidelity rate has increased which means that women are equally unfaithful to their spouses, and secondly more and more young couples are engaging in adulterous relationships.

They claim that modern women now have more opportunities to commit infidelity as they become more emancipated; they get to know more people at the workplace, stay late at work and travel more on business. Previously, when most women were still housewives, they stayed at home all day and hence were less exposed to the possibilities of infidelity. (Have they not heard about how the milkmen and postmen do more than just deliver services?)

They also claim that in this modern era, the Internet and mobile phone have contributed to the increase rate of infidelity. Even housewives can now indulge in flirtations via the Internet and instant text messaging. As for younger couples committing adultery, the Internet is the main culprit.

This I can agree to an extent because with so many online dating services, adult friend finders, etc. it’s so easy for men and women to hook up with someone. Let’s face it, even if you have every intention to stay faithful to your spouse, many profit-making agencies are trying very hard to make you fail. You can hire escort services at just a click of a button by entering your credit card details, preferences and voila!

Look at all the seemingly innocent online social network websites; Facebook, MySpace, etc. Applications like “Are you interested in me?” “Would you like to sleep with me?” are not as innocent as they seem.

Bottomline is, whatever these studies aim to achieve, I think the bigger question is why are people committing infidelity? I don’t think this survey can ever be considered accurate because many people will never own up to being an adulterer. So, they can just stop wasting their time and money on researches.

Society has taught us that infidelity is taboo and it is wrong, but it has never quite prepared us as human beings to deal with such concepts, which are created by presumably religious or impotent people. When this person decided that marriage should be a sacred institution and it is morally sinful to cheat, many of us have followed without ever studying the nature and readiness of humankind. Otherwise, why have so many faltered under the most insignificant temptation?

Then, there are bigger questions like is it possible for a person to love more than two people at a time, or is it possible for a person to fall in and out of love?

A one-night stand to a certain extent is arguably acceptable but what happens when a fling becomes a thing? An affair is no longer harmless because it breaks up a family, which can potentially lead to far-reaching consequences, especially when children are involved.

Various people commit adultery for various reasons. While to many, it is simply unacceptable, it doesn’t really address the issue. Instead, couples need to look at themselves and evaluate what has gone wrong in their relationship to cause either one of them, or both, to be unfaithful.

Has the husband stopped noticing his wife because he is too busy with work? Has the wife stopped being sexually desirable because she is a full-time mother? Have the children become the centre of their lives as a couple?

Or an option would be to study yourself by asking whether you are the faithful type or not. Be honest and own up to it.

Unless these problems are being addressed, be rest assured that infidelity will continue for as long as mankind shall exist.

Sex, Lies and Videotape by Steven Soderbergh

One of the first few lessons you learn when trying to market a product is to come up with a catchy name. If that doesn’t work, then aim for a provocative name such as this 1989 movie written and directed by Steven Soderbergh.

I’ve heard the accolades received by this movie and I’ve heard it being quoted in other movies. Naturally, I was intrigued and it wasn’t until tonight that I managed to watch it for the first time.

The verdict? Very interesting and thought-provoking. In fact, it was even better than I thought.

Confession. From the title itself, I first thought that it would be some kind of a raunchy erotica, starring James Spader. Hmm..interesting, right?

Truth be told, if I had watched it several years ago, the movie might have disturbed me as much as Last Tango in Paris is disturbing me now. But fortunately, I think it’s a daring, honest and original screenplay.

If you’re expecting to see Andie McDowell’s naked body in the movie, then you’ll be sorely disappointed. In fact, there is hardly any display of intimate scenes. At least not visually. Instead, you’ll be well compensated and stimulated by its script,  which makes it extremely clever.

I don’t really want to write about what the storyline is all about. Suffice to say that there’s a lot of emotional riddles waiting to be solved bit by bit as the movie progresses and it explores one of the most basic human needs, sex; and methods of self-preservation, lies. The videotape is just a means to get one of them and to expose the other.

I’ll leave with one scene I particularly like just to give you an idea of what I was talking about:

Ann: Did he touch you?
Cynthia: No.
Ann: Did you touch him?
Cynthia: No.
Ann: Did anybody touch anybody?
Cynthia: Well... yes.
Ann: Don't tell me... don't tell me... don't tell me. You didn't!
Cynthia: I did.
Ann: You didn't!
Cynthia: I did.
Ann: You didn't!
Cynthia: I did!

The power to change Afghanistan

I am a fan of The Tudors series. I don’t know how accurate the story is but wish that history lessons in school can be made more captivating like the series.

It would seem that King Henry VIII’s reign in England during the 16th century was plagued by religious upheaval; mainly the Lutheran movement in a predominantly Catholic nation and the creation of the Church of England.

The series portrayed King Henry VIII as a monarch who was so obsessed and occupied with his love affairs that he would rule the country with great misjudgement, tyranny and oblivion towards the suffering of his people.

In order to marry Anne Boleyn, he went against the Catholic church (what was considered as the Divine faith) by divorcing his Queen, Catherine of Aragon. This would mark the beginning of England’s separation from the Holy Sea or The Vatican as commonly known today.

King Henry VIII, once discovered the Boleyn family’s plot to manipulate him, ordered for the execution of his new queen. Eventually, he married Jane Seymour who died shortly after giving birth to his first legitimate son.

He then married again for the fourth time to a German aristocrat but succeeded to get the marriage annulled.

This post is not really about the history of England. I’ve mentioned it because there’s one scene in the series which is linked to what I read today on the BBC news.

Apparently, Afghanistan has officially endorsed a law which provides the right for a man to starve his wife if she refuses to have sex with him. It baffles me that such a law should exist in this day and age, especially when Afghanistan is trying to move towards democracy.

To me, instead of moving forward, what’s happening in Afghanistan today is a huge regression towards an archaic period filled with brutality, lawlessness and injustice practised only  by medieval Kings and Emperors granted with unlimited power.

When Jane Seymour was told by Lady Rochford, her lady-in-waiting, that King Henry VIII has taken a mistress, the noble Queen, while feeling dejected, implied that she had accepted the subjugation of women as part and parcel of life. Basically, whatever the King wishes for, it shall be granted without resistance. Whatever he decrees, let it be law.

I couldn’t help but notice too that the King uses religion to suit his whims and fancies. He doesn’t question the sinfulness of debauchery, adultery, corruption and summary executions but will not hesitate to punish those accused of heresy or treason in the name of religion.

Afghanistan is reliving this dark period and I ask myself how could this happen.

The men who support this law stand up boldly and say, this is what our religion says and it is divine. The women, hidden underneath their burqas, remain silent and helpless. In the mean time, what does the President of Afghanistan say?

When I looked at King Henry VIII, he is nothing but a man, made of flesh and blood; pathetic even. He eats, drinks and releases his bowels to stay alive. He falls ill, ages and dies as nature would have predicted him to. And yet, he holds the power to determine who shall live and who shall die.

Who gave him the power? The simple answer is, the people. Without the acceptance of his people to submit themselves to him, he would be nothing but just a common man, like you and I.

A friend asked, "”What can we do for the women in Afghanistan?” The simple answer is, the Afghans themselves. Stop giving power to those who use religion to control and to subjugate. Stop giving power to those who allow these religious fanatics to create senseless and archaic laws.

Stop voting for the person who is responsible for this. Without your support, they will not have the power.

Fire by Deepa Mehta

If you have heard of Indian-born Canadian Director Deepa Mehta, you’ll know her Elements Trilogy: Fire (1996), Earth (1998) and Water (2005), all of which are set in India.

Mehta is the sort of the movie Director who tackles difficult and controversial issues. I’ve watched Earth and Water a couple of years ago and was highly impressed with her work. Today, I completed her trilogy by watching Fire.

It is strange that I haven’t even heard of Fire until recently although it is the first part of her trilogy. It seems that the film had gained very little attention due to the release of Mira Nair’s erotic Kama Sutra at the same time.

At first, it was easy to assume that Fire would deal with the practice of sati, where widowed women in some Hindu communities either voluntarily or are forced into (usually the latter) immolating herself on her husband’s funeral pyre. After all, her other movie, Water, dealt with the morality of another harsh cultural practice in India where widows are rendered as untouchables by being forced into isolation from the community. Some of them include girls as young as nine who are forced into marriage.

Surprisingly, Fire is about lesbianism although the title itself signifies desire or temptation.  While the subject may not be as ghastly as sati, homosexuality in conservative India may be even more controversial. Apparently during the screening of the movie, some Hindu community who objected to Mehta’s depiction of homosexuality in Hindu culture, had organized attacks on cinemas. Water, was subsequently filmed in Sri Lanka instead of India due to security reasons.

In the past few years, I’ve seen the mushrooming of movies tackling the issue of homosexuality in conservative Asia (mostly in Chinese culture); Happy Together, Saving Face and my all time favourite, The Wedding Banquet by Ang Lee. None of them has the same kind of impact as Mehta’s Fire for the reasons below.

First of all, perhaps being a woman, Mehta has a clear understanding and empathy for the oppression of women’s rights and liberty in patriarchal societies such as India. Unlike most of the other movies bearing the same genre as mentioned above, the two main characters, Radha and Sita, are not lesbians to begin with. In fact, they are both married to two brothers.

Radha, the older of the two women, is married to Ashok, a man who devotes his life to celibacy after discovering Radha’s inability to bear any children. Although Ashok appears to be a kind and good husband, he fails to provide the one thing which could make Radha feels like a woman. Not only that, he subjects her to engage in cruel bedroom ritual by forcing her to lie beside him without touching her, as a test to his own purity. This goes on for thirteen years of their marriage together.

Sita, on the other hand, is married to Jatin, by way of an arranged marriage. Jatin is in love with another woman and in many ways, continues to keep his affair with the woman openly. Thus, Sita begins her loveless married life in complete loneliness and isolation.

Thankfully, due to Sita’s unconventional and modern spirit, she refuses to succumb further to the family’s expectations, mainly as a baby-making machine in order to compensate for Radha and Ashok’s infertility. She soon adapts to her new environment by finding comfort and solidarity in Radha.

Hence, a discovery journey begins for two lonely women whose lives are bound by strict cultural duties and expectations. They begin to learn, explore and embrace the meaning of love, sexuality and individual identity.

From the storyline, I feel that Mehta has managed to explore much deeper into the complexity of human relationships, especially those from the same sex. While we each has the ability to feel threatened by each other, we also have the ability to find love and fulfilment when there is none to be found from the member of the opposite sex.

The movie begs to ask the question whether women are able to cross the line from sisterhood into something which is much more intense and intimate? If yes, is it morally wrong then?

The other interesting aspect of the movie is its strong portrayal of our desperate need for physical, emotional and spiritual intimacy despite our moral and cultural restrictions or obligations. Mehta clearly has no inhibitions in showing the reality and flaws of human nature. There is one particular scene where Mundu, a servant who feels unappreciated and neglected,  masturbates enthusiastically while watching a porn movie in front of Biji, the mute and paralyzed matriarch. What would normally be considered as a distasteful act in many cinematography touching on conservative culture, Mehta was bold enough to display the realistic side of human life.

Once again, Mehta has consistently proven her ability as a visionary and courageous movie director of our time. Not only that, her trilogy were all beautifully filmed despite the ugliness of its subject matter. Her combination of artistic realism has made each movie worth watching again and again.

Sex, thugs and NGOs in Cambodia

At a cursory glance, it’s easy to regard Phnom Penh as Bangkok’s less developed, poorer and “innocent” cousin. In many ways, this is true.

Here, there are many majestic pagodas situated in almost every corner, making them practical landmarks while navigating the small city. The King and Buddhist monks are highly revered by its people.

Every single day, the drones of four-wheeled tuks-tuks can be heard early in the morning without fail while ubiquitous street vendors accessorize the city landscape.

Like Thailand, there are more than a dozen of cramped markets selling all sorts of cheap silk and wooden handicrafts. The ingredients used in Khmer cuisine are similar to Thai minus the hotness.

Before the recent economic depression, hundreds of thousands of women trooped to work in garment factories, spending hours putting together clothes for big labels such as Gap, Banana Republic, Abercrombie and Finch, Ralph Laurent and Tommy Hilfiger. Earning about USD50 to USD80 a month, most of these clothes cost more than their monthly salary a piece.

Yet, many girls aspire to be garment factory workers. They drop out from schools, leave their homes in the village to attend training for three months before joining their “sisters” in the exploit by industrialized nations. What we spend for USD80 at a fraction of a minute, can feed their entire family for a month.

What makes Phnom Penh innocent compared to Bangkok is the absence of red light districts where  sex industry is part of the tourist attraction. You still see the occasional local young girls escorting “barangs” (foreigners) in the city, but not as conspicuous as in Bangkok.

That’s how most tourists would think of Phnom Penh; just a charming developing city with happy and friendly people. If they have lived here long enough like me, and work in the field that I do, there is a much uglier and sinister side of the city than Bangkok.

Unlike Thailand, majority of the sex workers in Cambodia are being forced into prostitution.

Unlike Thailand, there is no specific districts or locations where strip bars, brothels and sex shows operate on a nightly basis.

Here, everything is carried out more discretely and hence gives the impression that sex is not for sale in Cambodia.  Because it’s so discrete, nobody knows the brutality of this sleazy and inhumane business.

Not only is sex for sale here, the girls and boys are as well. Many of them have been sold by their own family as sex slaves to meet the perpetual sexual demands of expat and local men while temporarily feeding the basic needs of their families.

This is not the only ugly and sinister part. Many of these girls and boys are under the age of 16. Here, it is a paradise for paedophiles.

In Cambodia, the responsibility of taking care of the family lies in the daughter. Boys are often given more opportunity to attend schools while girls remain at home to take care of household chores or get a job.

If this isn’t enough, there is another solution.

They are sold to traffickers or pimps. These girls are supposed to work as prostitutes to pay off their debts. The trick is, they don’t receive any payment in return and hence holding them as financial hostage forever.

Sexual slavery, like any other form of slavery, is a multi-million dollar industry.

If the girls try to escape, they are beaten up, tortured and threatened to death. They receive similar treatment if they don’t smile and seduce customers or have the audacity to reveal any hint of coercion from their handlers. So, customers go on thinking that they sell their bodies voluntarily.

Remember, they don’t even get paid.

Because Cambodia is considered less developed and poorer, it’s infested with hundreds of international NGOs, pouring in millions of dollars to help the people, to free them from any kind of bondage. In the end, the majority of people who do benefit from this “industry” are NGO workers, companies who provide the logistics for NGOs, the government and the lowest of the lower income group.

I recently had the opportunity to visit an international NGO providing free formal education and vocational skills training programmes to children and youths living in Steung Meancheay, a garbage dump in Phnom Penh.

When I entered the training compound, I was astounded by the extravagant infrastructure on its 5 hectare land. After more than one hour of tour around the whole area, I concluded that this is the Disneyland of Vocational Skills Training Centre.

With 600 full time staff and USD5 million annual budget for its operating cost alone, it’s no wonder that the hospitality, cooking, hairdressing and spa training areas are able to simulate what you would get at a five star hotel.

All  200 students are smartly dressed in clean and pressed uniforms. The products used at the hairdressing training are all genuine L’Oreal and Evian brands, none of the counterfeited ones used by the other training centres.

They are even expanding their training centre to include a full size swimming pool, basketball and tennis courts for their students. It’s even better than the school I attended in Malaysia.

The Head of Public Relations told us that all students are guaranteed jobs with the tourism industry upon graduation.

While I listened with great amazement, my heart was filled with sadness. Sadness for the millions of children from low income group who are not able to share such privilege.

I have been visiting many governmental and non-governmental training centres for disadvantaged group in Cambodia. It is part of my job to gather information on how to improve the training curriculum of the NGO I am volunteering for. None of them could ever compete with the Disneyland of Vocational Skills Training Centre. The quality of training is far below reasonable standard and most of the trainees do not benefit from job placement upon graduation.

One day, I asked a local colleague of mine whether any of the rescued women who have been sold as sex slaves (the NGO I work for provides rehabilitation, training and reintegration of trafficked women) comes from Steung Meancheay.

He replied, “None.”

I expressed my surprise, seeing how much poorer the families living in the dumps are and hence presumably more desperate.

He answered solemnly, “Nobody wants to touch these girls from Steung Meacheay. They are dirty and they have diseases.”

Then, it dawned on me. Unless you’re rich or an “untouchable” ; the lowest of the lower income group, you will continue to struggle and suffer like the majority of the people I meet here.

Note: This article was first published at Loyar Burok, a leading human rights portal run by a group of young lawyers in Malaysia.

The Story of O’wnership

I get annoyed with people who pay too much attention on being politically correct. I’m not talking about using discriminatory language. I’m talking about people who pick on every single word you say and then interpret it as politically insensitive.

“He’s not black. He’s African.”  “She’s not old. She’s OLD-ER”. “She’s not fat, she’s well-endowed.” “He’s not short. He’s vertically challenged.” (Not that vertically challenged is any better!)

Well, let’s call a spade spade, shall we?

Not too long ago, I looked through some materials on discriminatory language for an effective writing course I was conducting. I didn’t realize that so many terms are now considered insensitive.

For instance, we don’t use the term ‘disabled’ anymore. The correct term is ‘people with disabilities’.  An epileptic should be called ‘a person with epilepsy’. You shouldn’t call someone deaf and dumb but ‘a person with a hearing/speaking impairment’. Calling someone a victim of AIDS is incorrect. They are people living with HIV/AIDS.

Unless you’re a diplomat or someone who is working in political, humanitarian or human rights field, it’s difficult to keep up with evolving terms like the ones above.

Recently, I received an email from someone expressing her concern about a reintegration case we were following up on.

We had previously visited a girl who had been rehabilitated and trained at a shelter for rescued victims of sexual exploitation. (Actually, I’ve been told that victim is the wrong term to use, but seriously, how else would you call it? A victim is defined as one who have been harmed by or made to suffer from an act, circumstance, agency, or condition and I believe it qualifies the description.)

This girl had started a small business with the help and support from the NGO I am volunteering for. During the visit, we noticed that her business was not doing well and we offered her some suggestions on how to attract customers, etc.

Anyway, according to the email, this girl has disappeared two days after our visit. Her shop has closed down and all the materials have been vacated. This is obviously very worrying.

However, when I read the person’s email, I got really furious. The person wrote, “I am concerned about her very much and fear that I would lose her forever. If we do not take actions now, we will lose her forever.”

This is the funny thing about language. How it has the capacity to be interpreted in many different ways, depending on the writer’s language proficiency as well as the reader’s perceptions of things.

As I mentioned earlier, people who pay too much emphasis on diplomatic language annoy me. At the same time, I have become one of them when I read this email. Do allow me though to explain why it has infuriated me so.

The words ‘I’ and ‘lose’, when coined together implies ownership or possession. To me, the girl belongs to no one. Not her family, not the people who have exploited and used her and definitely not any NGOs or any individual working to help her.

The thought that just because we, the NGO, have given her shelter, medical treatment, training, financial support, etc. does not make her a possession.

Many people have often misinterpret the meaning of love. When we think that we love someone, we feel like possessing them. Families, marriage and relationships imply exclusivity and demand unwavering loyalty and obedience from one another that we often forget that we’re human beings, not objects.

I’ve learned this hard lesson through the relationships I’ve had. The more we think we own someone, the more we fear the thought of losing them. The more we fear losing them, chances are, we will.

If you have not watched the movie The Story of O, you should although I doubt you can find it in Malaysia. It tells the complexity of sexual relationships between a master and slave. We’re not talking about conventional slavery but a voluntary “contract” between a couple where one assumes the position of a master and the other a slave. This contract can be terminated at any time if either one or both wishes it to be.

If you have watched it or perhaps one day have the opportunity to do so, I would like to ask you to try to view it not just as an erotic movie which involves the act of sadomasochism, dominance and submission but an unconventional concept of love and ownership.

There is one scene in the movie where the man explained why he could offer his lover away so easily to other men without any feeling of jealousy or remorse. He said that the fact he could do this showed that he had truly owned her for isn’t it true that only the real master has the “legal” right to do whatever he wants with his possession? And if she decides to return to him after being with other men, then she truly belongs to him.

It’s a really strange concept to grasp but nonetheless a rational one. In such circumstances, perhaps one can say that nobody belongs to anyone unless if someone offers him or herself to someone willingly.

Some would say that the same kind of contract applies to marriage or even employment. But does this imply total control over your spouse or employee’s life? I certainly don’t think so.

Buddha said that the only way to eliminate suffering is when you renounce any kind of desire and this includes the desire to possess.

The 21st Century Slavery (Part VIII)

What we’ve learned from our market research assessment

During the last few weeks, we finally carried out our market research project by interviewing four different target groups; 1) residents undertaking vocational skills training courses at three shelters, 2) government and non-governmental vocational skills training centres for women, 3) local small to medium sized businesswomen and 4) international NGOs that implement vocational skills training courses and income-generating programmes for women.  

We have uncovered a wealth of information and at the moment, are still trying to develop an action plan for the reintegration component of AFESIP. The action plan will provide recommendations on whether to expand or improve the training curriculum at AFESIP’s shelters (or both) and if yes, what courses should be implemented or act as a supplement to the existing courses; hairdressing and sewing.

What do the residents say?

About 150 women were interviewed based on a series of questions and a list of 21 training options were given to them in the forms of pictures (see photo above). They were asked to choose 3 training courses which they would like to take if they are each given more options than the current ones .

Our questionnaire revealed that majority (more than 70%) of the residents at the shelter will return to their families in the village after they complete their vocational skills training courses. While majority of them are happy with the current two training courses, an overwhelming number would like to have some form of computer lessons and if they are given more options, many would like to choose agriculture (particularly fish-raising), cooking, running small businesses, tourism and traditional dancing courses.

Surprisingly (or rather unsurprisingly), none of these women chose housekeeping as an alternative course. We are uncertain as to whether the reason was because most of the women do not feel that they need to be trained on domestic science or that they do not want to pursue a career as a domestic helper.

What we learned from the government and non-governmental vocational training centres for disadvantaged women

We visited several training centres in Phnom Penh, Kampong Chhnang, Kampong Cham, Kampong Speu and Siem Reap. It was interesting that all the centres provide the same courses; hairdressing and sewing. Some offer silk weaving and food processing as well. It’s easy to understand why training options are limited to these and but at the same time, difficult to imagine that such homogenous career paths can help the women to become more competitive in the market. In the end, it feels as if all the women will become either a hairdresser, tailor or garment factory workers.

One of the main reasons that hairdressing, sewing and silk weaving trainings are such popular options is because majority of these women have very low education level. These training courses do not need much literacy skills and at the same time, there is a high and consistent demand for hairdressing and tailoring services in a country where weddings and cultural ceremonies are part and parcel of community living all over the country. Cambodia is also a country which depends heavily on its garment industry where big labels like Gap, Banana Republic, Abercrombie and Finch, etc. are being outsourced here. Nevertheless, there has always been a fear that these labels may not stay for long in Cambodia once economic trade agreements change and other less developing countries begin to provide cheaper labour.

The other thing we learned is that in order for these centres to be sustainable, it needs to form network and partnership with international organizations, governmental agencies, financial institutions and business associations. The Ministry of Women’s Affairs (MoWA), Ministry of Labour and Vocational Trainings (MoLVT), International Labour Organization (ILO), UNDP, Asian Development Bank (ADB), JICA and World Bank are the key partners in programmes like this.

- to be continued -

When puppy love turns life into a bitch

Like many girls, I had a crush on my Bahasa Melayu teacher when I was 13. He was young and just fresh out of teacher training college. He must had been around 22. He was handsome, soft spoken and what probably attracted me most about him was his position of authority. The boys in my class seemed so juvenile and silly compared to him.

Like many girls at that age, I romanticized about a relationship with my teacher. I would listen to him attentively in class and when he caught my glance, I would blush and looked away with my heart pounding violently like a drilling machine about to explode.

I can’t remember much of what happened during that period of time, which subsequently led to an indescribable and vague “courtship” where subtle exchange of chemistry were felt and known only by both of us. At that time, my intention was none other than mere childish fantasies; content with and flattered by the attention given by someone older and of the opposite sex. I was occupied with the thought that this particular teacher liked me more than just a student.

One day, I received something in the post. When I opened it, it was a stalk of flower and a note from my teacher. When you are at that age, the only logical interpretation of such gesture is a declaration of love or perhaps some form of romantic adoration.  I remember that somewhere in between the feeling of being surprised, happy and excited, I was confused and disturbed. Even as a child, I couldn’t help but question the intention of my teacher. Why would he go through such trouble of sending me something like this?  Wasn’t the chemistry enough? I certainly did not expect him to go beyond what was felt in between learning classical prose and writing karangan (essays).

My mother of course asked me who sent me a parcel that same day. Unable to lie, I told her that it was from my teacher. I also remember that what happened next was so fast and yet stayed so vividly in my mind until today. My mother simply went berserk and started hurling all sorts of questions at me. “Who is this teacher?” “Is it a man?” “What did he send you?” “Why is he sending you this?” “Did you do anything with him?”  “Have you gone mad?” “Why is he sending you this?”

Every questions were answered truthfully but not without tears pouring from my eyes, mainly out of fear as well as anger. My mother intimidated me into surrendering that stalk of flower, much to my protest and a lot of “He likes me", that’s all!”

As soon as my mother had her hands on the flower, she ripped it up so fiercely that I thought she might have done the same to me. Then she looked at me in the eyes and said something like, “You think he likes you? He’s a teacher and a man much older than you! You’re 13 and his student. He is not supposed to send you things like this. He’s trying to trick you into sleeping with him.”

All I could do was cry and in the end, my mother made me promised her that I would put an end to this “relationship”. I was never a rebellious child and I did what I was told and that was the end of it.

Now that I am 32, I am able to look back and thank my mother for what she did. I would never know what were my teacher’s intentions. He might have sincerely liked me but what would it lead to when I was only 13? My mother might have been right. He could have been a bad man with bad intentions. I shiver just to think about what could have happened.

Whatever it was, I was lucky for two things; firstly,for having a mother who was there to watch over me  and secondly, I was obedient enough not to do something potentially stupid without thinking of the consequences. Unfortunately, not all girls have the same privilege.

It is easy to understand how young children can be easily lured into surrendering themselves to complete strangers as well as people who are familiar to them. Many child sex offenders understand this very well and adopt precisely this kind of tactics to get children to commit sexual activities with them. All it takes is a bit of attention, flatteries and gifts to ruin an innocent life.