How to kill a guilinggao?

During lunch one day, my French husband, V, and I dined at one of his favourite duck restaurants in Bangsar. After finishing our meals, I requested to have dessert. He politely declined after scanning through the dessert menu, which is often rare for his sweet tooth.

Despite living in Malaysia for a considerable amount of time, V is still unable to get past the idea of eating local desserts. To his unaccustomed French palate, the ais kacang, red bean soup, cendol, sago gula melaka, etc. are not what he would categorise as dessert.

As French, he has a whole list of rules about dessert. Shaved ice is what children eat out of natural snow during the winter. Legumes of any sorts are meant for savoury stew or soup. Don’t even get him started on cheese cake, which is not typically Malaysian but nevertheless very popular here. According to him, cheese is meant to be smelly and dessert in essence, should never ever be made out of something that could potentially smell like athlete’s foot.

So when I ordered the guilinggao, V was naturally curious.

I described to him that guilinggao is a dessert made out of black jelly and is eaten cold. It has a bitter taste and that’s why it’s accompanied with honey and longan. I explained that the combination of bitterness and sweetness is rather interesting and tasty.

He looked at me with a confused and bewildered look.

To further convince him, I went on to explain the nutritious properties of the guilinggao and how it benefits the skin and health. I thought when I said it also serves as a natural cooling system for the body, it would win him over since he complains about the heat all the time.

He gave me a sheepish smile and a mocking “hmmmm” when I finished explaining.

“What’s so funny?” I asked.

"No, it’s interesting.”

“What’s interesting?” I asked again.

“Well, it’s interesting because in France, a dessert is usually sinful. You know, sugary, rich, creamy, sweet, fattening and if I may also add, appealing to the eyes. The colour, texture, shape, smell. They are all designed to entice you,” he said.

He paused and declared, “What you’ve just described to me is not dessert. It’s medicine. Black? Bitter?” *Snort*

When my “dessert” finally arrived, it didn’t look as appetising anymore.

Technorati Tags: Guilinggao,ais kacang,cendol,red bean soup,cheese cake,sago gula melaka

The Malaysian Invader Exclusive with Genie Cum Laude

Genie Cum Laude, famously known as just “Genie”, was first made popular by the book One Thousand and One Nights in the 9th century. Since then, he had made special appearances here and there. It wasn’t until a gazillion year later that he made a real come back as a female form in the American series I Dream of Jeannie in the 1960s. At that time, he adopted Barbara Eden as his stage name.

He once rubbed shoulders with iconic figures such as Aladdin, Ali Baba, Sinbad, Robin Williams (who did the voice over for his animated role in the 1992 Waltz Disney production of Aladdin) and of course, Larry Hagman.

Christina Aguilera is purportedly one of his biggest fans.

As Genie has the ability to appear in different shapes, sizes and forms, his real appearance remains as much a mystery as his real age today. What we do know for sure is his ability to grant his master 3 wishes (due to global recession, it was reduced to 1 in recent years). This ability made him the World’s 8 Most Powerful Personalities in history by Forbes magazine.

He shares this title with Julius Caesar, Qin Shi Huang, Peter the Great, Mahatma Gandhi, Napoleon Bonaparte, Mao Zedong and Teddy Roosevelt. However, his ability also earned him the title of World’s Most Beloved Person for 50 consecutive years (until Mother Teresa came along), which none of the other 7 achieved.

Last week, we saw a world in mourning. Genie announced his retirement at a press conference in Cairo. He was quoted as saying that he is no longer needed in this world and he is ready to retreat into his lamp forever.

The Malaysian Invader (TMI) was granted an exclusive interview with Genie.

Given the long history you have, could you give us a summary of the most significant things you’ve done in your life?

(Snorts) I’m a Genie. Most of the time, I did what my master asked of me. So, if I’ve ever done anything significant, it won’t be because of me. One may say that my decision to retire is perhaps the only significant thing I am doing. It’s my decision solely and that’s a very very rare thing for me.

Can you actually do that? I mean, do you have the power to retire?

After working as a slave for more than 12 centuries, granting an average of 3000 wishes a year, I think it’s reasonable that I’m calling it quits! Don’t you think? (Laughs out loud).

OK, if you mean whether I can actually do this, yes, I can. I just can’t tell you how.

Who were the most memorable personalities (not masters) you’ve worked with? Please keep it to two.

Wow, this is a tough question. After more than 1200 years, it’s hard to keep track of the people I’ve met or worked with.

If we’re talking about more recent times, I’ll say Robin Williams. He was interesting because he turned me into this funny and crazy character. I would love to be that Genie in Aladdin (winks).

I also like Bill Daily who played Roger Healey in I Dream of Jeannie. He didn’t allow Larry Hagman to pull any crap on him.

Speaking of I Dream of Jeannie. What was that all about? Were you in debt?

You don’t say! That was the most humiliating thing I had to do. I begged them for a stage name and they gave me “Barbara Eden.” It wasn’t easy since I hate the name “Barbara.” But what could I do? Master said he wanted to be famous.

Wait. You’re telling me that your master at that time was…

(Nods his head) Uh huh.

Rumours have been going around that one of your famous masters include Rosmah. Can you verify this, please?

(Looks around in a sheepish expression)

Rosmah? Who’s Rosmah? I don’t know anyone called Rosmah!

(Looks around and starts whistling)

How does it feel like to be in the same list as personalities like Napoleon Bonaparte, Mahatma Gandhi, etc.? Do you think Adolf Hitler should have been in the list?

Well, the list is for the World’s Most Powerful Personalities in History, not the World’s Most Congenial Personalities. So, I think Hitler should have been in the list. A man who was responsible for the death of 6 million Jews was definitely powerful, much more than Mahatma Gandhi. I think he had a more successful campaign than Gandhi.

Maybe you should ask Rosmah (whoever she is) this question. (Laughs out loud)

What are the most popular wishes that people ask for and what is the most bizarre wish that you’ve asked to perform?

Human beings are so boring. They always seem to ask for the same things. They lack imagination and this in many ways, has contributed to my retirement.

They often asked for immortality, wealth, power, love, fame, beauty and of course, the most popular of all, for more wishes.

(Yawns, yawns)

The most bizarre wish I had to perform was to ensure the death of a master’s nemesis. I think that’s more stupid than bizarre. I mean, she could have wished for invincibility or anything that could have effectively prevented her from being harmed by her nemesis, but no… death was the only solution she asked for.

Again, I’m often bored by the stupidity of human beings. Excuse me for being so brutally honest.

Why do you feel you’re no longer needed? Are people finally happy with their lives?

Whether I like it or not, I’ve become redundant. People often think that I can perform miracle and that I’m the only one who can make the things they want come true. They think I can make them happy.

Take for example, an overweight 18-year-old girl once asked me to make her thin. She wasted her one wish for this when she could have taken control of her weight if she had wanted to.

Some people had asked me for world peace. I’ve always told them that this wouldn’t last for long because the next day, someone else would ask me to perform an evil deed that would inevitably affect the world adversely. For world peace to sustain, everyone must be united. It’s not an individual quest.

Women who asked for beauty often ended up cursing me. Their beauty sooner or later became an object of envy and hatred from others. Instead of being happy, they suffer from sexual harassment and isolation from other women.

It’s the same for those who asked for immortality, wealth and power. They often ended up being alone and questioned whether the people around them were indeed their true friends or not.

My long experience tells me that human beings have this innate nature of being unhappy and destructive. I no longer want to partake in their miseries.

Final question: We heard that you were *ahem* good friends with Larry Hagman after staring in I Dream of Jeannie with him for many years. He of course went on to appear on the soap opera Dallas. You don?t by any chance know whether J.R. did shoot himself in the final scene, do you?

(The Malaysian Invader was unable to obtain an answer for this question as Genie disappeared into thin air.)

For those who may have more questions or comments for Genie, please write in to us. He told us that with his new iPhone 4, he is reachable via email 24/7. Please do refrain from asking him for wishes.

This article was first posted on Loyar Burok on 25 June 2010.

Who says there’re some things that just don’t change?

Sitting in my car, driving slowly through traffic, these thoughts came to my mind.

At 33, I am at that age where I've lived through the 70s, 80s, 90s, the turn of the 21st century and now. This means, I've lived in an era where there were no portable computers, internet and a time when Mom used to do everything herself without the help of Kitchen Aid or super nanny.

Here are some scenarios to illustrate the change of time.

On catching up with old friends

Our parents' time:

"It's been a long time since I've seen Muthu. Remember how he used to ponteng class? I wonder whether we should give him a call and arrange for a get together?"

Now:

"Aiyah! No needlah. Just add him as your friend in Facebook and you can find out everything that's going on in his life from there. No need to waste time and money to meet up."

On dating

Our parents' time:
"Eee!! Don't wantlah. All these match-making and blind-dating is so old fashion. How will I know whether he's handsome or not?"

Now:

"I think I'm falling in love with this guy I met on the internet last year."
"Wow! That's great. So, he didn't disappoint you when you finally meet?"
"No, no, I've not met him but his profile photo is so cute and he's so funny online!"

On TV soap opera (but now it's called series)

Our parents' time:

"Hey, tomorrow night is no good! It's Man in the Net. Very exciting episode and I'm dying of suspense.” 

Now:

"I watched 4 seasons of Sex and the City over the weekend and when I couldn't get up for work on Monday, I just called in sick."

On writing:

Our parents' time:

"Your son's penmanship is superb. There's so much character and elegance to it. You know, you can tell a lot about a person from his handwriting."

Now:

"Wow, this is lovely! Is it Trebuchet or Tahoma?"

I know who you are when I hear my ringtone

Technology has in many ways made out lives more fun. Since I’m one of those people who don’t really care much for new gadgets; iPhone, Blackberry and what not, I usually settle for a really simple phone with as few functions as possible.

However, I’m intrigued with what mobile phones can do with personalized ringtones, especially those which are customized for individual caller identification. I find them practical and some can be hilarious.

Here are some great ringtones which I thought might go very well with the particular caller. Feel free to add on to them.

1. Mother – Mamma Mia by Abba
2. Father – Daddy Kool by Boney M
3. Brother – He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother by Neil Diamond
4. Sister -  Little Sister by Cheap Trick, Big Sister by Dio
5. Spouse – Love and Marriage by Frank Sinatra
6. Children – Sweet Child O’ Mine by Guns and Roses
7. Lover – All I Want To Do Is Make Love To You by Heart, Hush Hush by Paula Abdul (if he/she is your secret affair)
8. Ex-lover – Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off by Gershwin, Goodbye My Lover by James Blunt, Sexy Back by Justin Timberlake (if you’re hoping for reconciliation)
9. Secret Crush – I Hate Myself For Loving You by Joan Jett
10. Fling – Mambo No. 5 by Lou Bega (if you’re a guy), Promiscuous by Nelly Furtado
11. Best friend – You’re My Best Friend by Queen
12. Fuck Buddy – I Want Your Sex by George Michael
13. Annoying friend – Shut Up by Black Eye Peas, Beat It by Michael Jackson
14. Gay friend – She Feels Like A Brand New Man Tonight by Aaron Tippin, Free, Gay and Happy by Coming Out Crew, Macho Man by Village People, Dancing Queen by Abba
15. Boss – Under Pressure by Queen and David Bowie, Every Breath You Take by The Police
16. Gynaecology – All My Eggs in One Basket by Irving Berlin, No Woman No Cry by Bob Marley
17. Doctor – Do You Really Want to Hurt Me by Culture Club
18. Lawyer – It Wasn’t Me by Shaggy, Jailhouse Rock by Elvis Presley
19. Accountant – One Plus One by Lolly
20. Insurance Agent – Not Dead Yet by Styx
21. Real Estate Agent – The House Song by Peter, Paul and Mary
22. Bank – Money, Money, Money  by Abba
23. Landlord – Landlord by The Police, Dear Landlord by Janis Joplin
24. Tenant – Life for Rent by Dido, Rent by Pet Shop Boys
25. Mechanic – I’m in Love with My Car by Queen
26. Weed supplier – Magic Friend by 2Unlimited
27. Vet – Who Let The Dogs Out by Baha Men
28. Gym/personal trainer – Gonna Make You Sweat by C & C Music Factory, Sweat (A la la la la long) by Inner Circle

With all these ringtones, who needs an iPod, eh?

Reasons to be nervous when meeting FB buddies for the first time

This post is inspired by my night out with a friend whom I haven’t met for a long time, her adorable daughter and three other new Facebook (FB) friends tonight. I must confess that I was a tad nervous meeting this new group of people for the first time. We have debated and shared quite a lot of opinions on FB on various issues and I have to say that they are definitely interesting and intellectually stimulating lot.

Anyway, here are some reasons to be nervous when meeting Facebook buddies for the first time. Feel free to add on to the list.

1) You can’t pretend to be smart since you can’t google every single unfamiliar terms being discussed.

2) You actually have to pay attention to the conversations. You can’t scroll back to read who said what and what was being said.

3) You can’t turn up being naked or dressed in your PJs.

4) You can’t choose which poses make you look  good and use photoshop to help hide any undesirable flaws on your person.

5) When you try to say something witty or funny, you have to be very convincing. There’s no time for you to think, write and edit. Don’t be surprised if you receive weird looks instead of blanks when you fail to execute your lines well.

6) You cannot have different conversations with different individuals simultaneously (this includes gossiping behind their backs) because that would be rude.

7) You can’t actually say w-t-f, f-asterisk-hash-percentage, etc. you get the gist.

8) You actually have to show your emotions and expressions; emoticons won’t save your life if you have no personality. For instance, you do know that you can’t fake a laugh by saying l-o-l exclamation mark.

9) You can’t simply ignore someone if they say something or invite you for something because that would be rude too.

10) You can’t keep updating someone about your status or state of being every few minutes because that would be weird, not to mention a tad too self-obsessed.

11) You have to be on top of things when it comes to what you are allowed to say or not to say and to whom since there is no exclusive message groups/threads to guide you.

12) You can count on people noticing your funny voice or any other strange characteristics you might have.

13) Of course, you do know that you will have to speak at some stage.

14) Poking/bitch slapping/tickling/annoying/throwing your knickers at someone, etc. is generally considered as socially inappropriate behaviour (in this country at least). This applies to rolling-on-the-floor-and-laughing-out-loud too.

15) You can’t instantly de-friend someone if he/she is a loser.

16) Just because you’ve finally met your cyber buddies for the first time, it doesn’t mean you will remain as their 305th friend in real life.

When laughter becomes a liability

 

I have a disease and I don’t know how to deal with it. I wouldn’t normally see this as a disease but when it comes to a point where it interferes with my work and being socially inappropriate, it is a disease.

You see, I have a tendency to laugh uncontrollably, sometimes even when there seems to be no reason for me to laugh. It is not intentional. I just have no control over it.

I hope you won’t think that I am crazy because I assure you that I am not. For those who have managed to witness this disease of mine must be told that I laugh not without reason. It’s just that you don’t know the reason. Very often when I remember a hilarious incident  or a joke or something that tickles me hard,  I would burst out laughing hysterically, much to everyone’s discomfort and confusion. For that I apologise but again, it is never my intention to be rude or behave crazy.

I am supposed to conduct a training workshop next week and I am consumed with fear that I might burst out laughing as soon as someone mispronounces something. For instance, I swear, if someone starts to say, “We conduct anal (as oppose to annual) assessment regularly” I would not only have the urge to laugh, I would just crack my butt laughing and nobody would understand. Even if someone does, how appropriate is it for a trainer to laugh herself silly when her trainees are talking?

I am not joking because this has happened to me before. Once, I was training a group of people and someone mispronounced something (it happens a lot because English is not their first language) and I swear I was going to explode but I tried my hardest to control it. I was somehow successful as no sound came out because I forced my mouth shut. Unfortunately, instead of laughing, I ended up looking like someone with Parkinson’s disease. My whole face turned red and my body shook uncontrollably, not to mention a tad too violently as well. It took me at least 5 minutes to recover myself.

I also realise that this disease has a larger implication on others. I don’t really mind if I am the only one inflicted with such tragic disorder  but when it affects other people’s self-esteem, it’s just not funny.

Once, my cousin’s daughters came to visit me at my apartment in Kuala Lumpur. They were extremely excited and they had other reason to be because they would be meeting my husband for the first time. So when one of her little ones came into the house, she did a curtsy for my husband. What was supposedly a cute and sweet gesture where the only appropriate reaction would be to gush, I burst out laughing. Yes, I did and much to her horror and embarrassment.  I reproached myself for this because that poor girl probably rehearsed everything the night before, thinking that it would charm the first French man she met. Alas, my only thought was, “Did she think that French people greet each other like that?”

So, you see, I have a disease and I don’t know how to deal with it.

P/s: I can’t even find the right category to put this article in. I think instead of starting a new category under “Disease”, I opted for Humour instead. Maybe this will help others to see the humourous side of things, rather than a liability.