11 private information that should not appear on your resume

Malaysians have a tendency of offering too many private information on their résumé without realising that in this instance, less is really more.

It is one thing to write pages after pages of academic qualifications and work experiences that are irrelevant to the job you are applying to, it is quite another when you give away personal details which may do you more harm than good.

Just like how lawyers who often prep their clients to refrain from talking too much while being interrogated by the police lest they give away potentially incriminating information, this is the same.


The more personal details you offer, the more you are exposing yourself to the possibility of being discriminated. A racist employer is likely to toss away your résumé without even looking at your qualifications if he or she knows you are of that particular race he or she finds undesirable.

Here are 11 private information you should not give away in your CV:

1. Photograph

Why would a photo of yourself be relevant unless it is a headshot for an acting role you are applying to in an entertainment industry? Your photo will also give away clues such as your race, gender and religion and let’s not even start on employers who have the tendency to hire based on looks.

2. Race

Apart from the obvious reason of subjecting yourself to racial-discrimination, there are employers who get completely put off by applicants who feel the need to reveal their race and/or religion. They wonder whether these said applicants are hoping that they would be racially-biased enough to select them for being the “right” race. 

3. Religion

Unfortunately in Malaysia, just your name itself is often enough to give-away your racial identity.

4. Gender

Unless the job you are applying to can justify why it is necessary to be gender-specific, there is really no need for the company or organisation to know what gender you are.

5. Date of birth

Someone said this, “Hiring managers need to know what you can do for them, not how many years you have managed to stay alive.” Unless you really want to be discriminated for your age, this information is completely redundant.

6. National registration identity card (NRIC) number

Malaysia is a country obsessed with NRIC number. Whatever registration forms you fill, may it be for a membership programme offered by a pet shop, or a package you bought at a health spa, you are asked for your NRIC number.

So much so that many Malaysians think it is perfectly alright to give away this private security number to anyone.

Please don’t because not only are you exposing yourself to the possibility of being a victim of identity theft, there is absolutely no need for these pet shops or health spas to have this information.

They have absolutely no right whatsoever to have this private data of yours.

7. Height

Same as number 1. And frankly, whatever for?

Note: Some studies have shown that taller people are more likely to secure a job than those who are vertically challenged.

8. Weight

Same as above.

Note: The same studies above have also shown how thin people are more likely to secure a job than those who are overweight.

9. Marital and family status

It used to be the case many years ago when employers assumed that a married woman with children could not be relied upon to do the job because “having a husband and children means they are not able to dedicate their lives to the company.”

Things have changed for the better albeit slowly as we see more and more family women in the work force. However, please note that these are some of the information an employer should never ask at an interview.

10. Home address

Well, for the fact that it is private information and it concerns your private security.

11. Political affiliation

Kudos, so you know you are entitled to have a political opinion and association, but does your potential employer know that?

In a country where expression of political views can be so sensitive and controversial, the chances of having an employer who tolerates or understands the importance of your political participation are very low.

Anyway, while everyone is entitled to political association, your political activities should never interfere with your job. So why should this information be relevant?

Finally, you should know that having the perfect résumé may not secure you a job because you can still screw up an interview.

The hiring manager may still judge you unfairly upon learning all sorts of things from you at the interview.

The sole purpose of making sure your résumé is free from any potentially-discriminatory information is to ensure that you are entitled to any job opportunity based on your qualifications and on an equal footing right from the start. 

There are only three personal information which are relevant and useful in a résumé. They are your name, telephone and email address because the only thing the employer needs to know is how to contact you if they want to interview you. That’s all.

This was first published here. 

39 random lessons in 39 years

Here are some random life lessons I've learned before hitting the big four-zero. Readers are strongly encouraged to share their agreement or disagreement of them.

1. Wealth and education don’t buy you class and human decency. A good role model or mentor does.
2. Love doesn’t conquer all. Respect and compassion do.
3. If there is one skill you need to master, let it be communication. It’ll get you through many life’s challenges.
4. Do not advertise how much work you’ve been doing. There are others who are as hard working, if not more. They just don’t say it.
5. Do not boast about how much you have contributed to society because there are many who have done more without turning it into a Nobel Peace Prize nomination speech.
6. Do not publicise how much someone owes you. It is utterly distasteful.
7. Let other people sing your praises. The tune is nicer and it sounds better.
8. Activists can be the most narcissistic people in the world. Many don’t do it out of altruism but because it makes them look good. You’ll know when they can’t resist publicising their deeds, often in subtle manners.
9. Do not let your guard down whenever you’re with your boss. Remember, you’re being evaluated at all time.
10. Losing your virginity before marriage is not the biggest deal. Neither is infidelity. There are far more important things in life to worry about.
11. Obtaining a higher education is optional. It doesn’t teach you about life and moral.
12. Practise your religion not out of fear or societal pressure, but out of conviction.
13. If you haven’t smoked yet, do not start. It is a stupid addiction that only benefits the tobacco companies and the rest of the institutions affiliated to making them thrive.
14. Do not make others look bad so that you can turn out to be the hero.
15. Keep your promises. Your credibility depends on it.
16. Every family has a dark story. Yours is not unique.
17. No matter how high you’ve climbed, stay grounded. Humility is a virtue that will earn you more respect.
18. Respect all member of the working class. No one will miss you if you go on strike but they will if the garbage collectors do. Teach that to your children.
19. Beware of those who talk a lot. Action speaks louder than words.
20. Not everyone wants to hear the truth. Some truths are better left untold.
21. Just because someone isn’t friendly to you, it doesn’t mean they don’t like you.
22. You don’t own anyone, not your girl/boyfriend, spouse or children. Every human being should be free.
23. Marry someone who understands and respects your individuality. You’ll know if the person allows you to speak your mind and have your space.
24. Nothing is too silly to learn. Learn as much as possible. All the little skill you think you’re too good for will lead you closer to independence and empowerment.
25. Don’t bother asking what romantic love is. You’ll never really know and you’ll still be asking after you thought you’ve found it.
26. Being feminine does not make you a lesser feminist. It just makes you a pretty damn sexy one.
27. The greatest thing you can give your children is their independence. Don’t mollycoddle them. Let them learn and take responsibility for their mistakes. You won’t be there to protect them forever.
28. Help your family and closest friends first before you help others. Otherwise, you’re just a hypocrite.
29. Getting old is a bitch and you never know when it’s going to bite you. Use sun screen and anti-ageing products even before you think you need them. Oh, and eat well and exercise, exercise, exercise.
30. Never give up on a chance to travel when you can. You may never have that chance again.
31. Smile a lot. It will get you out of many ugly situations.
32. Have a brutally honest discussion with your potential spouse. Having children, fidelity, religion, finance and care plan for your parents are at the top of the list.
33. Learn to say no and teach your children to respect that.
34. People cheat for many reasons. Often, it’s not because they want to hurt you.
35. Having strong principles is good, but having wisdom is better.
36. Don’t be too eager to bad-mouth someone. You never know what the person you speak to will do with the information, or think about you.
37. The wild animals you see at the zoo, circus or performance show are being taken away from their natural habitat, held in captivity, and used for our entertainment. Stay away from them.
38. When in an emergency situation, check whether there are any security threat to you first before going to someone’s aid. You’re no good to anyone if you’re injured yourself. They teach you this in first aid.
39. Private hospitals are not better than public. They only seem better because most people you know do not seek treatment in public hospitals.

This was first published here. 

Who is your moral compass?

Many believe humans are born essentially good. I, on the other hand, believe otherwise because if this were indeed true, the notion of religion would have been unsuccessful and laws, unnecessary.

Religions such as Islam and Christianity purportedly came about because God, sickened by the mess created by human beings, sent His messengers to propagate values to make us better.

Laws on the other hand, were created by societies inhabited by flawed human beings to regulate our behaviour towards one another.

At a focus group discussion attended by Malaysian law graduates, this question was asked, “Would you rape if there is no law against it?”

Unsurprisingly, a few hands were raised, some of which belonged to decent-looking men who will one day defend justice.

Whether we call it religion or law, we can agree that some sort of a moral compass is needed to help us make daily ethical decisions and actions.

As society evolves, we entrust different institutions and bodies to be our moral compass, knowing that in the absence of them, society will become chaotic or despotic.

We elect or select individuals who distinguished themselves for their outstanding character and moral standing to work for these institutions, hoping that they will do the right thing in the face of wrong.

Governments, judges, law-makers, teachers, parents, journalists, religious institutions, and civil society are some of the moral compasses in a civilised state.

The sole purpose for their existence is to preserve the dignity and integrity of human beings, to ensure the betterment of our society. Nothing else.

Perhaps the ones carrying the heaviest responsibility as a moral compass are parents and teachers because they tend to be a child’s main person of contact in the latter’s formative years.

My curiosity of what teachers are teaching in Malaysia led me to look at Moral Education taught in public schools.

The Education Ministry sums moral up in 36 values. Many of the values are extremely good but they become problematic and superficial due to its simplistic understanding and application in Malaysia’s complex reality today.

Here are some examples.

Believe in God is number one on the list of values. All well and good if you believe in a God but if you don’t, does that mean you are immoral?

What good would it be if I believe in God, but I steal from the poor to become rich?

Let’s look at family values; love and respect thy family. How do you think most families would react to having a homosexual or transgender child?

Are they still expected to love and respect the child for who they are? It seems not because Moral Education teaches young Malaysians that they should accept, respect and practise their family traditions and beliefs that have been inherited from one generation to another.

So if a family views homosexuality as going against tradition, homosexual Malaysians should live a lie and suffer in silence in order to uphold moral.

It seems that our Moral Education would have us believe that maintaining family image is a duty far more important than showing love and compassion to our family members.

Another value speaks of patriotism, explained as love, loyalty, pride and obedience towards our King and country. It goes as far to say that we should do everything, including giving up our lives to serve our country.

I do love my country and I will do everything I possibly can to make it a better place. But in reality, the moment I say anything remotely critical of how it is being ruled, I am perceived as unpatriotic because in our national context, patriotisms means blind love.

Kudos to the Ministry of Education for teaching human rights and democracy in Moral Education.

For the former, only children, women, worker, person with disability and consumer’s rights are highlighted while senior citizens, indigenous people, minorities and other marginalised groups of people are rarely touched upon.

Fundamental values such as non-discrimination and equality are only taught at the surface without genuine interest in promoting real understanding of what it means to be fair and equal.

The chapter on democracy speaks of respect for the rule of law and fundamental liberties such as freedom of expression, religion and association which all came with the caveat that they should be practised within the law and constitution.

What happens when laws are made and upheld by bad people?

When we look at the Moral Education syllabus holistically, we will notice that it scratches only the surface of what it truly means to have moral.

My problem with this is not its simplicity because simplicity often serves as a good baseline for further critical discussion.

The real problem is how Moral Education is being taught and how it does not really provide a sincere space for dissenting views, particularly for those who may not conform to the expected norms of our society.

Unsurprisingly, the curriculum has already attracted outrage from certain quarters of the community, accusing it to be useless as they are taught through rote-learning, rather than critical thinking.

Now we have a glimpse of what children are taught in schools, it is not surprising that we are in the mess that we are today.

It seems our nation’s morals are judged and measured by dogmatic and authoritarian views, one which focuses more on obedience, duty and loyalty rather than by the number of moral compasses we have; people who will stand up for what is right and fair even when it is difficult, frightening and unpopular.

For those who ask what is right and fair, and who decides, please look at the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. There lies some of your answers.

A fundamental question this nation needs to ask today is, “Who is our moral compass?”

And more importantly, who, amongst us, will dare to stand up and answer, “Me!”? 

This article was first published here.

Nine reasons why you should travel solo

When Mom knew I was travelling solo to Phuket for two weeks, she immediately thought my marriage was on the rocks. She gave me a bewildered look when I reassured her that I just wanted some time on my own. After about a minute of silence, she finally said, “I still don’t understand what’s going on.”

I rolled my eyes and gave her the something-your-generation-would-never-understand look, and hoped she would leave it at that. Luckily, knowing too well her disapproval has often escaped me, she didn’t pursue further.

Mom wasn’t the only one who found it odd that someone should choose to travel alone. While in Phuket, I received puzzled looks from the hotel receptionist to the taxi driver, when they discovered I was alone.

A tour guide felt sorry for me when I had to take a photo imposed by the tour company, while everyone else was accompanied by their spouses, children or friends, that he kindly offered to stand by my side despite my polite protest. I now possess an over-priced photo of me and a stranger.

Travelling solo can make you feel extremely self-conscious, because you are convinced that everyone else thinks you’re a loser. I am not sure that is quite true anymore.  There was a woman who spent five minutes cajoling her two infant daughters, who had decided to throw a tantrum of epic proportion into silence, while I looked at them with amusement. Embarrassed, she turned to me and said, “Look what I have to put up with.”  Another man grudgingly complained about his teenage children, who apparently love leaving things behind, for him to pick up at every single holiday destination.

My friend, Lim, spent three years backpacking solo across the world. She recalled a life-changing incident, while hitch-hiking in Sivas, a city in central Turkey. Determined not to spend any money on transportation and accommodation, she fashioned a tent out of cardboard at a community garden during nightfall. What was presumably an illegal act had inevitably caught the attention of onlookers. But after finding out that she had no money and was leaving first thing in the morning, they left her.  Minutes later, a family came and offered her shelter in their home.

Just as they were leaving the garden, the police came after being tipped off by a local. The family stopped her from being arrested, by claiming responsibility for her. They fed her and took her to a wedding the next day.

When asked what the best thing about travelling solo was, Lim answered, “Restoring my faith in humanity.”

Not many of us will be lucky enough to experience what Lim had in Sivas, but for me, travelling solo has forced me to become a better version of myself.

Here are nine achievable reasons why you should travel solo. You’ll see that many of the reasons are inter-connected but for the purpose of clarity, I have separated them.

1.            You learn to swallow more than just salt water at the beach

If you are arrogant about your independence and ability doing to do things on your own, travelling solo can teach you a thing or two about humility. There are times when you are forced to acknowledge that you can’t do it all, you’ll need help from others and this makes it a humbling experience.

When I was on a tour to Phi Phi Island, I learned to swallow my pride by asking a couple to allow me to park my bag beside theirs, as I didn’t want my valuables to be left unattended. Although the request was simple enough, it was difficult for me to ask because I felt like a total loser.

By doing this, I acknowledged I am not invincible and accepted that there will come a time, when I will be at the mercy of a stranger’s kindness and that would be perfectly fine.

2.            You discover that the only comfort zone you’re in is your cotton knickers

I have been quite happy with a stable job, a few close friends, a husband and two cats but it has made me lazy. Making conversations and exchanging pleasantries with anyone outside that niche, is an insurmountable task. I may be an introvert but I’ve also discovered that I have missed out on some potentially meaningful social opportunities out of sheer laziness.

Of course, it is easy and effortless to socialise with your close friends because they already know you and understand all the nuances that come from your single grunt, sigh or silence. But when it comes to new acquaintances, it is a different ball game. The longer I shun away from socialising with new people, the more my social skills have suffered.

When you travel solo, you’re forced to get out of your comfort zone. You find yourself having conversations with strangers because let’s face it, being alone in silence for a whole day can get pretty boring, no matter how much you love to be alone.

I had an enjoyable time chatting with a guy from Hong Kong on a scuba-diving trip, and my Thai canoe paddler when I was in Phuket recently. I must admit that it was a little difficult in the beginning, as I struggled to piece together a decent conversation but it got better once I got used to it. 

3.            You learn to economise and discover that money doesn’t buy you the best experience

Travelling solo can be expensive because there is no one to split the cost of your hotel room, transportation and food with. If you run out of money, you’re on your own.

On my fourth day in Phuket, I discovered that my cash was depleting dangerously fast and I still have ten more days to go. I quickly learned to economise by taking the local bus to get around instead of a taxi or “tuk-tuk”. Travelling like the locals also means I was subsequently forced to adopt the local temperament – patience, lots of it.

One day, I waited for close to an hour for a bus to Phuket town. While waiting, I had the pleasure of talking to a Scottish woman, who has been commuting between Glasgow and Phuket to visit his son in Phuket. I gained so much information about Phuket within that hour and in the end, when the bus arrived, I enjoyed another delightful hour of riding through interesting roads which I would have never experienced if I had taken a taxi.

4.            You slow down and enjoy being in the moment

Because you are alone, you are not answerable to anyone. You’re free to go wherever you want, and at whatever time you want. You don’t have a child who needs to rush to the restroom, in the middle of a cultural performance. You don’t have to leave the beach early because your husband is not fainting from the heat. Your best friend who gets cranky when everything is off-schedule, is left at home cursing you every single day you’re on holiday.

I really took the time exploring Phuket and it was such a welcoming change, from the hectic life in Kuala Lumpur. It was one of the most liberating moments I have felt in a long time.

5.            You welcome your inner-voice and wave goodbye to the gossiper in you

Working in a team and living with someone, can only mean you’re constantly surrounded by noises. There had been times when I felt there were too many noises in my life, which were clouding my thoughts and ability to listen to my inner-self. Travelling solo allows you to get rid of those noises, leaving you completely alone with your thoughts.

When I am with my girlfriends, we tend to gossip or make fun of strangers together. When I travel alone, I am forced to resist the temptation of saying something nasty about someone, else because there was no one there listening.

6.            You are amazed by the courage you never knew you had

Lim said that one of the best things about travelling solo is doing the things she would not normally do, when she is travelling with someone else. It is all about stretching that courage bank and crossing boundaries. She has been couch-surfing, hitch-hiking and camping throughout her journey, and she wouldn’t have done it if she were to travel with someone else.

7.            You find out whether being truly single is your thing

Spending two weeks alone can really give you a perspective, of how it feels like to be truly single. There’s no one to share that breath-taking sunset you saw at Phang Nga Bay, or the best tom yam goong you had.  You have no one to depend on when you’re sick, or rub sun block on your back.

If this is something you can live with when you’re fifty, and all your friends are too busy celebrating life with their families, you’re set to go. If not, you might want to re-evaluate that relationship phobia you always have.

8.            You realise your family and friends mean more to you than you care to admit

Travelling solo makes you appreciate your family and friends more. You never thought you would miss them until you’re without them. By my second week in Phuket, I began to wonder why I had felt the sudden urge, to get away from the people I love. Of course, I would never regret my decision to take that trip alone, because I wouldn’t have come to that realisation otherwise.

I know there will come a time when I will feel that urge again, and I will likely succumb to another solo trip because I know it’ll bring me to my final reason.

9.            It brings you closer to home. – April 23, 2015.

This article was first published here. 

Reading Rehman Rashid

I remember meeting Rehman Rashid at the Cooler Lumpur Literary Festival in 2013 despite knowing for certain that Rashid on the other hand, would have no recollection of me.

I had no idea how he looked like prior to that, but it might as well be as such or I would have avoided him. You see, I am cursed with the inability to behave like a normal human being when coming into contact with figures I am at awe with. To impose such affliction on someone like Rashid would have been mortifying to say the least.

I remember standing alone outside the event venue waiting anxiously for the Poskod Journalism Campus keynote address to start. Shifting my weight from one foot to the other, I pretended to look busy. On hindsight now, I have no idea how I thought I could possibly achieve that effect since I wasn’t doing anything, not even with a book to keep me company. So I was naturally grateful when a tall, slim man of about 40 or 50 (I can’t be sure because his face lacked the intensity of wrinkles one would come to expect with hair as white as his) approached me.

He held out his hand and introduced himself politely. I reciprocated by shaking his hand, still completely oblivious of who he was. For the life of me, I can’t seem to remember whether he had introduced himself with his full name or just Rehman, which could easily be mistaken as Rahman.

Although Rashid towered over me, he spoke as if we were peers of equal size and height, little did I know that baritone voice of his would fascinate me with his keynote address later that morning.

I can’t recall our conversation. It must had been perfunctory, but I remember being distracted by his sense of style. He was wearing dark denim pants (I think they might had been slightly frayed at the ankles) paired with a button-up shirt fitted loosely over his slender frame and polished black brogues. Nothing out of the ordinary except for the patterned bohemian sling bag hanging on his shoulder. It was strange that a man with such polished speech and manner should be seen voluntarily in public with a bag that seems more appropriate for a dreadlocked Rastafarian.

No one knows this but what Rashid said in his keynote address that morning changed the way I write. He was as good an orator as he is a writer. He was fascinating and witty. His messages, powerful and inspiring.

Rashid lamented how journalists are becoming egotistical and self-centred, that there are too many opinion pieces (and bloggers) but very little real journalism displayed in the media these days. His traditional view of journalism has made him a target of ridicule and criticism in the past, especially by bloggers; understandingly so for his patent public display of disaffection towards them. As harsh as he sounded in his opinion, I personally don’t think Rashid was being critical of the democratisation (or digitalisation) of the written expression and ideas, but more of the content. I think this is what many of his critics fail to understand.

Rashid asserted that the role of a journalist is to bring newsworthy stories of the everyday men and women on the street to the readers at home. He said nobody should care what a journalist thinks because a journalist’s job is not to think but to report.

I’ll be honest that I am constantly tempted to indulge my ego by writing an opinion piece, thinking that I have the carte blanche to comment on anything and everything, and people would give a damn about it. I still do it because it is easier surfing the net as research than engaging in meaningful conversations with people on issues I want to write about. The thing is, when I do the former, I often find my pieces to be utter rubbish.

Carl Bernstein, famed for his Watergate scandal reports said that good journalism is “trying to obtain the best attainable version of the truth” and the best way of doing so is by “being a good listener. Listening to source after source after source.” I believe Rashid was trying to tell us the same thing that day in his keynote address. He taught me that a good writer does not write to serve one’s ego but to be the voices of other people.

It took me four days to finish A Malaysian Journey. It would have taken me a much shorter time but for the frequent interruptions that came from a full-time job. Everytime I had to put the book down, I found myself willing for the day to speed up so that I could go back to it again.

For someone who had been pretty much ignorant of Malaysian politics until the age of 25, the book offers a lucid and easy-to-read narratives of some of the most important events that have helped shape much of Malaysia’s political landscape and its people today. I understand Malaysia much more in just one sitting of the book than six years of Malaysian history classes in school.

Rashid was very clever to write subject matters that could’ve easily run into the risk of being terribly dry, heavy and boring, in a prose which was both suitably beautiful and engaging to the readers. He was as delightful to read as Preeta Samarasan and Tan Twan Eng.

A Malaysian Journey proves that Rashid is a writer of conscience. He did not make himself out as some sort of a hero. There is a raw honesty in his account of his career as a journalist, being a Malay who benefits from the National Economic Programme, and the racial politics that would subsequently inflict such a gruesome wound on the nation that will take a long time before it heals.

Rashid approached the 16 chapters in his book by interlacing them in two separate styles – one chapter would unfold his voyage across Malaysia, often making sure the characters he met remained the hero or heroine, and the next of a significant national event that had taken place in the country chronologically.

What sets A Malaysian Journey apart from other books infused with political flavor is Rashid’s style of writing. It does not possess that unguarded bitterness found in most of Kee Thuan Chye’s writing, neither is it as intellectually pompous as Farish Noor’s. Kee tends to spit while Farish Noor shows off what he knows. Rashid? Well, he tells stories.

In my book, A Malaysian Journey has made Rehman Rashid one of the most memorable Malaysian writers of our time. I thank him for writing this book for he has made it possible for me to embark in an important journey in this place I call home.

This article was first published by The Malaysian Insider here.

Technorati Tags: Rehmad Rashid,Carl Bernstein,Watergate,A Malaysian Journey,Preeta Samarasan,Tan Twan Eng,Cooler Lumpur Literary Festival,Farish Noor,Kee Thuan Chye,National Economic Programme

Fight sexual harassment the way of Sun Tzu

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting – Sun Tzu

After an hour of scissor jumps, squats, high kicks and punches at a fitness club, I decided to head home for a shower. Highly aware of the unattractive sweat stains on my chest, back and armpits, I rushed discreetly to the lift, hoping I would be alone, until a bald man dressed in sweats appeared behind me.

I recognised him immediately from a YouTube video I saw only about a week ago. He competed in a yoga competition where he did a headstand with his hands stretched far behind his shoulders. I thought he was slightly wobbly in his attempt but still, pretty impressive.

“Now you’re looking very sexy,” he said to me as I was about to compliment him on his yoga skills.

“What? Excuse me?”

I didn’t know polite introduction was passé.

“All that sweat, it makes you sexy. Sweat releases a type of scent. Pheromone,” he said.

He flashed me a grin, revealing two rows of perfectly white and even teeth. To be honest, if he hadn’t opened his mouth, I would have thought he was kind of cute.

When caught in a situation like this, I’m often confronted by these thoughts – should I tell him off straightaway or should I wait to give him the benefit of the doubt? Maybe I am too sensitive. Maybe he didn’t mean to be offensive. Maybe he didn’t know he’s being offensive.

“Pheromone? I thought only men release pheromone,” was my choice of response to him.

My tactic was to get him to think about sweat in a scientific manner. I thought Sun Tzu was in me and I, in him.

“Ohhh no. We all release pheromones. That’s how we attract each other,” he replied confidently.

My strategy seemed to have failed but fortunately enough, someone younger and definitely prettier caught his attention.

“Hi! How are you married?” he asked the girl cheerfully and then pretended to correct himself. “Oops! I meant how are you?” Without remorse, of course.

He chuckled at his own joke while the girl stepped forward to give him a hug, an indication they knew each other.

Just as I thought it would be interesting to observe their interaction with each other, the lift opened with a loud ping revealing a man standing inside. We all stepped into the lift and stood in silence until we parted ways at different floors.

Many men who read this probably think what the yogi said to me wasn’t a big deal at all. Why do women put up such a fuss when a guy makes sexual comments about her? Can’t they see it as a compliment instead?

Well, here’s the thing in case you don’t already know: Many women do not like strangers (or even men they know) commenting on their sexuality simply because it’s something private and intimate. Given, there are possibly women who love and welcome this kind of comments but I don’t think I had given this man any reason to think so.

My friend Andy claimed that men get upset with women who find it offensive when being sexually hit on because they secretly wish women would do the same to them. I don’t know whether that’s true but I think if most men don’t find themselves being sexually hit on by women, it could be because women in general think it’s an unacceptable social act, which then perhaps means men shouldn’t be doing it either.

Sexual harassment is a violation of a person’s dignity, body and private space. It’s a violation because it is premised on the basis that a person’s body belongs to that person only and nobody has the right to assume or act otherwise.

I remember a particular bus trip I took with my girlfriends when I was about 15. When we got on the bus, there were only two empty seats left at the last row of the bus. Mei Ling and I took the seats while Carol and her younger sister, Grace, sat on our laps.

Five minutes into what turned out to be a pretty bumpy ride, a hand reached out from my right to stroke Grace’s bare thighs. Startled, I turned to see who the offending hand belonged to. He smiled at me with a look that seemed to say, “So, whatcha gonna do about it, huh?”

I heaved Grace up to her feet, stood up and turned to face the man. I can’t remember how my girlfriends reacted to this sudden outburst but I remember staring disgustedly into the man’s eyes for the rest of the journey. I said nothing but I made pretty damn clear to him that I was watching him, with judgment.

I was decidedly brave that day because the man triggered a memory I had kept a secret for a very long time. When I was ten, my English teacher rubbed himself against my buttocks while I was reading an essay in front of the classroom. I did nothing about it and I told no one. My inaction would forever plague me because I’ve often wondered how many other innocent girls had also become victims of his despicable act.

Sexual harassment is criminal for the simple fact that men in these stories think they have every right to touch something that doesn’t belong to them or say something that could potentially rob a woman of her dignity. Do they think they have absolute power and authority to do so? Or is it because a young innocent girl is defenseless and hence makes for easy prey? Or perhaps, a woman’s body is public property?

I’ve had girlfriends who complain about men who make them squirm with discomfort. These are men who touch them unnecessarily, refer to them as "sexy lady" or send them pornographic material. There are also men who take the liberty of sending women text messages that are filled with sexual nuances. The funny thing is, these men almost always behave differently in person; ie they appear to be polite and respectful when you see them face-to-face. This just means that you can never really tell the identity of a sexual harasser. They can vary from a random stranger walking on the street to someone you already know who is married with children.

Sexual harassment is a big deal because it reduces a person’s worth by stripping away their dignity. The common emotions that can go through a victim range from:

• Helplessness – Eg. Feeling all alone and not knowing who to turn to for help.

• Shame, guilt, self-doubt – Eg. I must be slutty if he thinks he can say all those things to me. I must have asked for it.

• Awkwardness – Eg. I don’t know what to do or how to behave if I see him again.

• Fear – Eg. Will he do something to me if I see him again?

• Betrayed – Eg. He is my teacher. How could he do this to me?

• Confused – Eg. I want him to stop but will he hurt me if I tell him off?

• Self-resentment – Eg. Why didn’t I do anything about it?

All these emotions can have a negative impact on a person’s relationships or ability to focus at work because the person becomes too pre-occupied with these emotions.

I have had experiences where I don’t ever want to see or talk to the person who said inappropriate things to me simply because I feel utterly uncomfortable in his presence. I worry incessantly about bumping into that person if I know he is within my premises. To inflict such emotional arrest on someone is harassment. Unless you’re on the receiving end of it, you can’t even begin to understand the debilitating effects it has on a person who is sexually harassed.

It can be difficult to report someone for sexual harassment. There’s always the fear of making something so private and humiliating public, but here are some things we can do privately to reinstate our dignity and restore the power that has been stripped away from us.

• Let the person know what he did is wrong, you don’t want it and he needs to stop.

It doesn’t have to be verbal communication. Write to the person rationally and clearly, leaving no room for doubt that you want him to stop. Do not say it in a joking or apologetic way – no emoticons with half winks or smiles because a harasser will take any opportunity to turn that against you if it ever gets worse or nasty later.

Letting the person know takes away that sense of helplessness. It puts you back in charge which in turn puts the sexual predators off because they often get a kick out of asserting power over those whom they think are vulnerable.

• Show the person what he did is unacceptable through your body language.

Like the bus incident, I avoided causing a scene by letting the offender knew through persistent eye contact. Trust me, bad people often become uncomfortable when they are looked straight in the eyes. The man in the bus shifted uncomfortably in his seat and avoided eye contact after a while.

It takes courage to face your harasser but tell yourself if you don’t, you may resent yourself later for not doing anything when you had the opportunity to.

• Pretend to be confident even when you’re really not.

Like Anna Leonowens’ advice to her son in The King and I, do whistle a happy tune when you’re feeling afraid of your adversary. You may feel utterly uncomfortable in his presence and would rather avoid him if you can, but what if you work together? Your office may be too small for you to hide.

Put on a brave show by appearing confident in front of him. Give him that look which says "I know something that you don’t" and this may put him on suspense as to whether you have said something to your superior or colleagues. Sexual harassers often cash in on the bet that you’re far too weak and scared to tell anyone but if he starts to suspect you may actually have, he’s likely going to think twice about behaving badly again.

• Tell someone about it.

Make sure it’s someone you trust and will act in your best interest.

There are many reasons why some women keep the harassment to themselves. Mainly, they are afraid of being judged. For instance, women who feel unattractive are afraid to tell someone they are being sexually harassed for fear of being ridiculed. “Right, as if someone would sexually harass an ugly person like you.” Like the culprits, victims of sexual harassment vary in their profiles. No one is immune to it.

Another common reason for keeping it a secret is the fear of being judged as the culprit. “Who ask you to dress so provocatively? You totally asked for it.”

Confiding in someone not only allows you to unburden yourself and receive support, it also provides you with a witness should you decide to pursue a formal complaint against your harasser. Who knows? Maybe the person you confide in had a similar experience with the same harasser? Knowing you’re not alone will provide you great comfort and courage to go through this episode.

• Document every detail.

Spare no details and be specific right down to the date and time when the incident happened. Sexual harassment is very hard to prove. It usually boils down to my words against yours. If you do find the courage to let the person know, do it in writing if you can. You may not be ready yet to take any formal action against the culprit but you may in the future. When you do, you’ll be grateful that you’ve kept all the information you need to state a strong case against him.

As a person who has been a victim of sexual harassment, my ultimate aim is not to punish the offender but to make him stop the harassment. Getting into an ugly fight or publicly humiliating the person need not be an option and sometimes can even be counter-productive because the harasser can get defensive or violent.

Confronting your harasser takes a lot of courage and it’s never easy, but if you manage to, you’ll feel empowered, liberated and proud for standing up for yourself, knowing that you may have played a part in stopping the guy from preying on other women.

This article was first published at the Malaysian Insider on 29 May 2014. 

Technorati Tags: Sun Tzu,Art of War,sexual harassment